


A Part of Darkness

by Yvi



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Ascension, F/F, Goa'uld, Hurt/Comfort, Mind Control, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-23
Updated: 2009-11-23
Packaged: 2017-10-03 15:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yvi/pseuds/Yvi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are things Sam is more afraid of than death – Osiris knows this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Part of Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** non-con, torture, dark themes Read at own risk, please.

Pain.

So much pain.

Well, that was to be expected when being tortured by a Goa'uld hand device.

Sam writhed in pain, but she did not scream or beg. This was only the first session, so while the pain was new and sharp and she just wanted it to stop, her body and mind were still strong. She knew that would change. Her body would go limp between sessions, her 'No's would get weaker. But for the moment, she only writhed on the floor, having been knocked down before.

The pain stopped. She was panting, her lungs hurting with every breath. Sam was flat on her stomach, her legs and arms held to the floor by very short chains. With quite some effort, she raised her head to look at the Goa'uld in front of her.

Osiris was kneeling mere inches before Sam, the hand device still pointed at Sam's forehead, though not as close as before. Sam could barely make out Osiris's face as she looked up. Osiris was smiling at her.

"Had enough yet?" the Goa'uld asked.

"Of course not." Her voice was still strong, Sam noticed, almost pleased with herself. She would have been more pleased had she just not gotten herself into this position, though.

Sam didn't have much time to think about that, though, as the pain started again and her body and mind began to scream. Her arms and legs wouldn't hold still, they moved on the rough and cold stone floor, her elbows and knees hurting already.

It would, of course, get worse. It always did. 30 minutes later, Sam didn't even raise her head anymore when Osiris released her for the seemingly millionth time. She just lay on her side, struggled to breathe and tried not to think about her body at all; which was, by now, screaming for mercy and release, which she wasn't about to give in to.

"I will ask you one more time," Osiris started, but didn't get to finish. Sam could hear the door opening and heavy footsteps. A Jaffa had entered.

Osiris rose to her feet with ease and turned to face the Jaffa. Sam's strength was not enough to push herself up a bit more and see them and they spoke so quietly she could not make out what they were saying. She could hear the blood pounding in her ears and her heavy breath just fine, though. A sweat drop ran down her right cheek and she tried to wipe it away, but didn't get far with her hand. The chain attached to her wrist was heavy and short. At least it wasn't as cold as the floor.

Instead of straining herself even more to look up at what Osiris and the Jaffa were doing, she rolled slightly on her right side as much as her chains allowed. There was, however, not much of interest to see there. The stone floor was mostly bare, save for two stone tables on one of the wooden walls. The left side that she inspected afterwards wasn't much more interesting, either - wooden walls and two stone tables.

"I am so very sorry; I didn't mean to keep you waiting. You now have my full attention again." Osiris stood before Sam this time, her shoes not far from Sam's eyes.

"This is," Sam started, but had to cough. The act was painful. "Very comforting to know," she continued and attempted to keep her voice calm and unaffected by the pain breathing and speaking caused.

Apparently, though, the attempt was only that - an attempt.

Osiris laughed.

"So, what were we discussing? Oh, right, the location of the Tok'ra base and their future plans." Osiris turned around. "Release her hands."

"Yes, my lord," the Jaffa replied. Sam hadn't even noticed he hadn't left. The Jaffa walked to stand in front of Sam, then bent down and released the chains around her wrists.

"You may leave now," Osiris ordered.

"Yes, my lord."

The footsteps got quieter and after a few seconds, Sam could hear the door being closed. She was alone with Osiris again.

"Get up."

Sam knew that if she didn't get up now Osiris would make her, so she slowly ordered her body to stand up, first holding her upper body up on her elbows, then pulling her knees towards them. She kneeled before Osiris for a moment as she struggled to get to her feet, but she managed to stand relatively steadily in the end.

Osiris's eyes flashed yellow for a second before she addressed Sam again. "You are going to tell me."

"Never."

The hand device flashed right in front of her face and Sam closed her eyes, awaiting another bout of pain that would force her to her knees, but it didn't come. As she opened her eyes, Osiris was smiling again and had lowered the hand device.

"You are strong." It sounded almost like a compliment. Osiris turned and walked towards one of the tables where she picked up a zat and pointed it at Sam. "I think I have other plans with you," she said and fired the weapon.

~~~

When Sam woke up, her body felt sore and her wrists and knees hurt. Her head was pounding and as she opened her eyes, the pounding was replaced by a sharp pain. The room she was in was very small and very bright. The walls were high and on top of them was a glass window. They were evidently still on some planet and the sun was standing directly above her, she concluded. Sam sat up on the hard stone table and looked around, but the room had no other windows and nothing in it beside the table and a thick-looking wooden door. Of course, she tried opening that door, but she didn't want to draw too much attention to her being awake and didn't try force yet.

Instead, she just sat and closed her eyes for a short while. She could hear her heartbeat and her headache was getting steadily worse. Sam opened her eyes and took another close look around the room. There seemed to be nothing on the walls, but since there could be something hidden, she ran her fingers along the cold texture. They were wooden just like the door, very solid and flat, with no signs of any sort of hidden mechanism that could help her.

Just as she had finished this examination, she could hear heavy foot steps outside and second later the door swung outward, revealing three Jaffa warriors with zat weapons, all pointed at her.

"Come with us", one of them demanded.

Sam knew better than to resist. She stood no chance and a stun from one of the weapons would serve no purpose. One of the Jaffa entered the room, which already made it very crowded, and bound her hands behind her backs.

She was escorted down a long hallway until they took a sharp right turn and entered what looked like the same room she had been in the first time. Osiris was standing at the far end of it with her back turned to the Jaffa and Sam, dressed as always in elegant robes.

"Bind her," came the quiet command and despite her struggling and cursing, Sam ended up in the same position as the last time - lying on the floor, wrists and ankles bound to it with chains. "Leave now."

Osiris turned to face Sam when the servants were done and walked towards her. She took her time in doing so and knelt down besides Sam's head, obviously enjoying the set-up.

"Shall we begin again or have you changed your opinion about answering my questions?"

Sam stared at her as well as she could considering she had to make quite an effort to raise her head off the floor enough to look Osiris in the eyes. "I have not and I will not. You are wasting your time."

Osiris lifted the head device and pointed it at Sam's head - a smile appeared on the Goa'uld's face.

"We shall see."

~~~

When Sam woke up the next time, the initial feeling hadn't changed: her body felt sore, she could feel her knees hurting without having to move them and there was a throbbing feeling in her head. She opened her eyes and saw that the room around her was almost completely dark, save for the very top near the window, where some light streamed in. It was probably late afternoon on the planet and because the room was so high no sunlight steamed in.

Sam carefully propped herself up on her elbows and then lowered one foot to the ground. She hit something with her foot and in the dim twilight she could see that beside her 'bed' stood a meal and she had almost knocked over the jar. Because her head was still throbbing it took some time, but a few minutes later she sat on the surprisingly warm floor and looked at the food that she had been provided with. The fluid in the jar was water which she drank in small sips and the food seemed to be some version of oatmeal and after some prodding with the spoon and careful tasting she ate everything there was of it.

After she had finished eating and drinking, there was not much left for her to do. She tried opening the door again, but nothing happened, even when she gathered all her strength and tried to kick it open. The sound when her foot hit it was very loud, but nothing happened. Either no one had heard or no one cared - she was alone and unarmed on an unknown planet.

The best thing to do, she decided, was to rest. The stone table was uncomfortable, but she had no choice so she lay on her side. Sleeping, however, wasn't possible. She closed her eyes and all she could see were images of her capture and Osiris' interrogations. Sam tried to console herself with the thought that someone would come for her eventually - they always had. But she remembered being brought through the gate to another planet before the interrogations and the thought almost took all her hope away - how could the team know where she was?

Sam finally succeeded in clearing her thoughts at least somewhat and drifted into a semi-asleep state.

The door opened so quickly she physically jerked out of surprise. Light streamed in from behind the Jaffa - three of them again - and blinded her for a moment, until she raised her hand in front of her face to shield herself a bit.

Sam tried reacting in some way, but they were much faster than she was and dragged her unceremoniously through the door, two of them shoving her by her shoulder and grabbing her wrists so hard it was painful, the third one leading the way.

"Where are we going?" she demanded, but they didn't answer at all - not that she had thought they would.

"This is really getting quite old, guys."

But her attempts at getting them to react in some way were futile and they pushed her along two hallways and finally through a door that opened automatically when the first Jaffa pushed a button to the left of it.

The room behind the door wasn't as big as the room Osiris had tortured her in before, but it was still quite sizable. There were no windows, but it was illuminated by a lot of candles. Osiris stood in the middle of the room, the usual cold smile that didn't really belong to her on Sarah's pretty face.

"Major Carter, it is a pleasure to see you again."

"I can't say the same about seeing you again."

The first Jaffa took guard on the other side of the room while the other two dragged her until she was standing two meters away from Osiris.

"Kneel before your God," came the familiar demand and the Jaffa exerted pressure on her shoulder.

"We both know you are not a God," Sam said and remained standing, but the Jaffa to her right kicked her knee from behind, which gave away and her knees made rather fast and painful contact with the floor. She clenched her teeth, but no sound escaped her lips.

Osiris slowly moved towards Sam and kneeled down before her. The cold smile still played around her lips and she looked directly into Sam's eyes.

"Are you sure that you do not want to tell me what I want to know?" Her voice was sickeningly sweet.

Returning her glance, Sam answered. "Even if I knew, I'd rather die than tell you."

"Oh, you have made that much quite clear. But I think you will find there are thing worse then death - Samantha." Osiris raised her right hand off the floor and reached for Sam's face. She instantly turned away, but Osiris took Sam's chin and turned Sam's face to point at her again. The grip of Osiris's hand was very hard at first, but softened after a few seconds.

Osiris's eyes flashed for a second and then, suddenly, her entire expression changed. What had been a cold smile turned into an expression of fear and confusion, Osiris's eyes widened and the hand that had held Sam's face released her. The woman stood up quickly and almost fell over backwards.

"What...," she started, but just as soon as it had begun it was over again. Osiris' eyes flashed and the cold smile once again appeared on her face.

Sam closed her eyes in disgust. She instantly realized what she had just seen. "You are a...," Sam started, but she could not think of an adequate insult for this... _thing_ that stood in front of her, using a human's body as if it were a toy.

"What am I, Samantha?"

But Sam did not reply. When she opened her eyes again, Osiris was standing in front of her, looking down on her.

_I think you will find there are things worse then death_, it echoed in her mind. A cold shudder ran down her spine and she knew all color that was left drained from her face.

"I think you are starting to understand, Samantha." Osiris once again knelt down in front of Sam and took her cheek into her hand. Sam did not struggle this time and the touch felt almost soft and caressing. "You are an intelligent woman, after all."

"You are disgusting," Sam said, her voice not shaking despite her inner turmoil. She remembered the time, years ago, when Jolinar had taken control of her body. A prisoner in her own body, not able to move only watching herself move and only capable of controlling her own body when Jolinar allowed it - but a Goa'uld would not allow it. She felt sick just thinking about it.

"You won't."

"Oh, yes, I will. I have long searched for a suitable host and I think I finally found one." Osiris started to stroke Sam's cheek with her thumb and Sam turned her face away again. Osiris only gave a soft laugh. "Strong, with a brilliant mind and an attractive body - very suitable indeed. I would have preferred a male body, but you will most certainly do."

Sam struggled violently against the Jaffa's grip and the third Jaffa hurried towards Osiris to protect her should Sam somehow manage to overcome the two much stronger men. But the struggling did no good; Sam stood no chance against the Jaffa.

"Why don't you just kill me," she shouted at Osiris, who just smiled at her and then turned to the Jaffa who was not holding Sam.

"Bind her."

There was no time. No time for elaborate escape plans and heroic fights. "Help me," she whispered directed at the Jaffa to her right, but it did not help, the Jaffa did not react at all. Seconds later, her head was forced back and too fast for her to say anything else; a gag was shoved into her mouth. Sam still struggled against the men's grip, she wouldn't give up, but she became more and more hopeless with every passing second. Her wrists were released for only a moment after which, once again, chains bound them together. One of the Jaffa beside her released her wrists and instead held her head in place.

She tossed around, restricted by her ties and the two Jaffa still holding her down, but that, too, was of no help as footsteps came closer. Osiris disappeared from Sam's field of vision, but from the sound of her footsteps, she came to a halt closely behind her.

After mere seconds, Osiris seemed to approach her again, came closer. Sam put all the strength she had left, which seemed to grow in the face of her greatest fear, into the movement and turned her head. The Jaffa's hand slipped and the time it took him to grip her head again Sam could make out the scene behind her: A Jaffa with a jar, Osiris with a struggling Goa'uld symbiote...

Weight came to rest on her legs. Sam guessed it was Osiris kneeling down on her legs to position herself to guide the symbiote. The thought made her sick, she wanted to vomit. She wanted to scream. She wanted to die rather than letting something take her again.

"You could have had it another way, Major Carter," Osiris whispered very close to her ear. She was directly behind Sam, if only she could struggle free and somehow hurt the symbiote...

Then she felt something warm and wet touch the skin of her neck and the next moment, her neck was on fire. Something - the Goa'uld - was squeezing her skin apart, wriggling itself into her skin. It was happening. No one was entering the room, weapons out and ready to rescue her. And the thing had finally breached her skin.

The pain was almost tolerable, yet she tried to scream. It was in, it was in her...

And then everything went numb. Her body felt numb, the world outside became out-of-focus.

A human, kneeling before her, in tears, pleading for his life...

A Jaffa, wounded in battle, being honored by her for his achievements...

The same Jaffa, kneeling before her... She kills him.

Generations and generations of human and Jaffa, pleading to the Goa'uld's wishes, to all Goa'uld before her. And all that would come after her.

The world turned black.

~~~

There was no pain when she awoke the next time. That was good. There was, however, more blackness. It took Sam a moment to realize that this came from the fact that her eyes were closed. When she tried opening them, however, nothing happened.

Had she been able to, Sam would have gasped and maybe screamed as the realization of what had happened and why she was unable to open her eyes hit her. But she couldn't. She tried moving her hand, but from bitter experience she knew what to expect. She could not move, she could only scream silently, alone in the darkness.

Not totally alone, though. Sam could feel something in her mind, like something was moving inside her thoughts. She tried to remember how it had felt with Jolinar, but from that she could only remember soothing noises and explanations and promises of it ending soon.

There was someone whispering. No, not whispering, Sam realized. That was the Goa'uld inside her mind. It was too quiet and somehow blurred for her to understand even when she concentrated on it.

Light came streaming in. Her eyes had opened, but not of her own accord. Her gaze wandered around the room, though it was not her who controlled it. Sam could see a greatly ornamented ceiling with chandeliers and then her body started to sit up. She could feel her fingers touching a very soft material, maybe silk, but it was as if she was still half asleep, or as if her hands hadn't received enough blood for some time.

The rest of the room came into view. It was a lot bigger than the room she had spent the last day in, yet not as big as the 'interrogation room', with elaborate decorations on the walls and a thick carpet on the floor. It had one door, which was guarded by two Jaffa.

As they noticed the movement, one of them left the room. Sam's body proceeded to stand up.

Who are you?, she demanded as loud as she could in her mind. She had communicated with Jolinar in that way, maybe there was some way to... But Sam didn't even know why she wanted it to talk to her.

It didn't answer.

And it didn't answer the next time she called or the third time. Sam was being ignored inside of her own mind.

"Bring me to Osiris."

While Sam knew it was her lips forming these words, the voice was not hers. She had of course heard herself speak like this before, but it still took her a moment to realize that yes, it was actually her voice, with the familiar Goa'uld undertone.

The Jaffa complied with the command and brought her - or the Goa'uld, or them both - to what seemed to be Osiris's quarters. It was elaborately decorated - Daniel would have had a field day in it - and overall quite welcoming. Osiris had probably been alerted to Sam's awakening by the second Jaffa and stood tall in the middle of the room.

"Greetings, Osiris." Again, the both familiar and unfamiliar voice.

"Greetings, Kadru."

So Kadru it was. Sam thought it sounded like it was taken from Hindu mythology. She had to think of Daniel and his explanations of mythology. She wished she remembered more of it. Unfortunately, it was she who was stuck with this name now and she couldn't remember if she had heard the name before.

Osiris dismissed the two Jaffa guards with a court nod. "Are you satisfied with your body?"

There was a moment's silence and Sam could almost feel how the snake evaluated her - it made her feel exposed.

"It is very satisfactory." Sam could feel the smile upon her face. The sickness grew stronger.

"That was what I was thinking. It is a beautiful and strong body. I suppose you need some further resting? I'm afraid that a sarcophagus will not be available before tomorrow. I have sent for one to be brought here - to your new world"

"It won't be necessary. Some more resting will be sufficient and I will have completely recovered from the insertion and the healing of this body's bruises." Sam's own right hand briefly brushed her left wrist.

"Yes, I am afraid I didn't go very easy on it." Osiris once again half-smiled, "Are you well enough for a call to Earth?"

Had Sam still had access to her body, she would have frozen now. It was clear what Osiris intended to do: Contact Earth and show them what she had done to lure them to come forward. If only she could stop this...

Don't! she screamed.

"It will be my pleasure," Sam heard her voice saying.

Shortly afterwards, they were stepping outside into the bright sun. Sam had carefully noted what corridors they had gone through to get to the main gate, just in case she ever needed it. The gate was guarded by a handful of Jaffa and fully convinced Sam that this was a planet with a medieval culture - she had been inside of a stone castle, which even had a draw bridge that the Jaffa now lowered.

The Stargate wasn't far from the castle, only a five minutes walk during which Sam tried to see whether she could influence anything at all. She couldn't. And the Goa'Uld refused to even react to her shouts, didn't even acknowledge that there was another sentience besides itself in Sam's body.

Osiris ordered one of the escorts to dial Earth and another to power a device that they had brought with them. Sam had not seen this particular device before, but the purpose of communicating by video was very clear from its design.

The Stargate sprung to life and Sam could see Osiris smiling. She was enjoying this and if possible, Sam got even more disgusted with the Goa'uld in that moment.

"This is Stargate Command, please identify yourself," she could hear Sergeant Harriman say.

Osiris made another gesture towards one of the Jaffa and he pushed another one of the device's buttons. Sam could only imagine that they were now sending video communication through.

"Tell your leaders Lord Osiris wishes to speak with them."

There was no answer for more than a minute, and they waited. Sam could just imagine Walter sending for General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill, hoping they were both on base.

"This is General Hammond of Stargate Command."

The Jaffa turned the device and now Sam could see the general standing next to Harriman. They couldn't see her yet, though, only Osiris, who was visibly taking great pleasure in this.

"General Hammond, how very nice to see you."

"Unfortunately, I can't say the same about you." The general folded his arms. "What do you want?"

"Not much for small talk today, General, are we? Oh, well." Osiris paused for a moment and Sam glimpsed at the monitor to see why. Colonel O'Neill had just arrived in the control room and stood next to General Hammond now. He looked tired and worn.

Osiris continued. "How nice of you to join us as well, Colonel O'Neill. As I was just about to tell your leader, this conversation is not only about what I want. I think you will also find that I have something you want."

Osiris made a movement with her hand and to Sam's horror, but not to her surprise, Kadru moved her body to stand next to Osiris.

"Major." Sam's commanding officer looked conflicted. Sam thought he was probably both pleased to see she was alive and alarmed to see her next to Osiris. "Let her go."

"But that would be no fun, would it? But I am willing to trade. See, I have no real use for that Major of yours, but I can think of several things of yours I would like to have in exchange."

And Sam finally figured out what Osiris was doing. The plan was brilliant, though of course not without flaws. She possessed parts of the knowledge of Jolinar and also the current location of the Tok'ra and the Goa'uld inside of her could access it without her being able to stop it. Osiris already had the information she needed, but she wanted more and would make the SGC believe Sam was still herself, that they could trade her back for whatever it was she also wanted. This was the reason why her body was crouched and not standing up tall and why Osiris was behaving like she was.

Sam felt sick at the thought and she wanted to scream at her superiors while Osiris detailed her demands. She hoped they wouldn't give the Goa'uld anything just because they hoped Osiris would keep her part of the bargain – because Osiris wouldn't. Sam was lost.

~~~

Two days went by without anything happening. Sam felt hope rising in her at first and then vanishing slowly again. Surely someone would come for her now that they knew what had happened. The Goa'uld still did not talk to her and she grew tired of trying. Occasionally, it accessed her memories, scenes from her childhood or her time at the SGC. But mostly it seemed to do so out of curiosity or boredom rather than out of cruelty. Sam was almost sure that it did not listen to her thoughts regularly. It just used her body.

Once a day, in the evening, Jaffa turned up and escorted her to Osiris's quarters, where a meal had been prepared. The food looked and tasted delicious, but just like every other feeling it was dulled by the intruder in her body. Osiris and Kadru did not talk a lot during these meals - sometimes Osiris shared stories of what the lesser Goa'uld were doing and which battles were being fought among the Goa'uld, but usually they sat in silence. Sam waited for them to say anything about Earth or SG1, but it did not happen.

The third day, things were different. When they arrived at Osiris's quarters, it was lit by candles and red drapings covered the walls. It felt very warm and almost comfortable. Sam was alarmed - this was too much of a change to be a good sign.

And she was right.

As they entered, Osiris was lying on an area of the room padded with an enormous amount of cushions.

"Come here and sit."

When they were both seated, Osiris handed her a glass of what was probably some variety of wine.

"We have reasons to celebrate." Osiris smiled and raised her glass.

"What happened?" Kadru asked, equally raising the glass.

"The Ta'uri sent a rescue mission, as expected. I must admire their strategy, they almost succeeded. Four of the Tau'ri were killed and we caught one of them who is now awaiting interrogation."

Sam felt satisfaction coming from the Goa'uld inside of her. "That is very pleasing news indeed."

Osiris sipped from her beverage and Kadru did likewise. "I thought you would like to lead the interrogations."

"That would be very kind of you."

"But let him live and return to his world. I want him to tell his tale."

Kadru laughed. "I like this idea."

Sam knew this level of cruelty was to be expected from the Goa'uld, but experiencing the effects of it at the wrong end of a hand ribbon device and actually experiencing the joy and satisfaction the idea of causing pain gave them were quite different.

After they had finished the wine, Osiris looked intensely at Sam. It made her feel uncomfortable. "I really did choose a beautiful host for you."

"You did."

Osiris extended a hand and almost tenderly stroked Sam's cheek. Sam instinctively tried to flinch away, but of course found that she couldn't. She felt the warm skin against hers. Osiris came closer, her thigh touching Sam's now.

Osiris's face moved closer, eyes looking straight at hers with something that could almost be called affection. The hand that had stroked her cheek now pulled her face closer and Sam was too shocked to think anything at all when Osiris started to kiss her and her body responded without her permission.

Lips kissed lips, hands stroked hair. Lips kissed her neck and ear. Sam sank backwards into the cushions, her head exposed to the other woman. A hand was stroking her breasts through the thin material of her dress. Hands opened her dress and her own hands opened the other woman's.

_3,1415926535897932_

Breathing got heavy and no words were spoken, as skin touched skin. Layers of clothing were removed. Sam wanted to cry, to scream and rage. Osiris kissed Sam's lips, her neck, her breasts. But it wasn't hers anymore. Osiris took it, she took it all. And Sam's body reacted, responded.

_2,71828182845_

 

Pleasure and disgust got mixed as Osiris touched her. As Osiris's lips wandered further down and Sam could feel her warm tongue finding just the right spot and a shiver ran through her body. Sam wanted to scream and beg for more when Osiris looked at her from between her legs and then teased her with one finger until she finally inserted it. Her hips pushed against the hand and the tongue and her mind shattered as the other woman made just the right motions. She circled her clitoris with her tongue and added another finger, sliding in and out at the same rhythm as her tongue.

_The laws of physics are the same in all inertial frames of reference. There are no privileged inertial frames of reference. The speed of light in a vacuum is a universal constant, c, which is independent of the motion of the light source._

Heat built up. Her legs started to tremble.

_Don't think-_

Sam knew it was nonsense, but she thought she could feel her mind shatter as pure pleasure took over her body.

~~~

Sam did not know how she survived the next day. She was still there, but everything happened in a blur and when she later tried to look back on that night and the following day, she could remember very little after that moment. Glimpses of Osiris's body came to her mind, but nothing too specific. Sam was not sure whether that was good or bad.

She knew the soldier that had been captured. She had been on two missions with his team before -- search and rescue missions which had both ended well. Sam hoped that her team was still alive. She hoped that Osiris not gloating about the death of SG1 meant they were still alive.

The moment she thought it she felt guilty. Other people were dead. Other people that had friends and family and did not deserve to die. Not because of her.

It was a rush, using a ribbon device on him and Kadru reveled in it. The soldier was so pleased to see her and there was a hint of fear in his eyes when he realized it was not his colleague he was talking to.

He screamed, but not for long. Sam remembered that he was also a Major, but she had forgotten his name. Kadru told him that any further attempts to get Sam back were futile. That Sam was dead and lost to Earth.

Days later, they let him go. Unlike Sam, he returned to Earth.

They moved to another planet afterwards. Sam memorized its gate address in case she would ever have use for it. The new world was different – more people lived there and Sam soon found out that something within the Goa'uld ranks was changing.

The meetings and meals with Osiris continued as they had before. Kadru told Osiris most of what Sam knew about Earth and its allies and Sam could only listen and hope that the Tok'ra and Earth were prepared. Osiris did not tell a lot about what was going on outside and especially whether they had encountered the Tok'ra at the address that Sam had as their last known home planet. Sam could feel Kadru growing suspicious of Osiris. They couldn't leave the planet and the very few pieces of information Osiris gave on what happened in the galaxy were laughable. Maybe Osiris was afraid that someday, Sam would be rescued and have the Goa'uld removed. Osiris couldn't risk that.

Two times, Osiris's Jaffa brought prisoners back from their departures through the planet's Stargate. The first time, Sam was present at Osiris's interrogation. The human who had been captured because his village had been visited by an SGC-team was tortured for information on the SGC, but he knew nothing and in the end, Osiris grew weary of him and killed him with a staff weapon.

The second time, a high-ranking Jaffa from a rival Goa'uld had been captured. Osiris and Kadru dismissed their own Jaffa after they had bound the rival Jaffa just like Osiris had used to bind Sam. Then Osiris offered a hand device to Kadru. It was a rush, just like it had been with the soldier. But it didn't hurt Sam so much. She detached herself from what was happening, thought about quantum theory and it helped. The screams and pleads for mercy sounded distant. Sam still felt the pleasure the Goa'uld got from the torture, but it wasn't hers. She didn't have to share it.

~~~

Months and years passed. Osiris kept Kadru close, but never let her stand in the spotlight. Sam's life was spent in ships and in strongholds. From her own personal prison, Sam saw it all – the destruction of the Tok'ra base, Anubis, the beginnings of the Jaffa rebellion. She heard about the ascension of Daniel and he even came to see her once. She craved to talk to him, but she couldn't. He knew and was gone before her captor could say anything to him and Sam was grateful for it.

She knew of several attempts to get to know her location from Earth. It filled her with hope and affection, but also with fear and sadness.

Sometimes, seeing Osiris was a comfort. Sam knew the woman she had only known briefly was still in that body somewhere, just like she was. Sarah Gardner was not lost. Samantha Carter was not lost. Just like Sha're had never been lost, they could be saved. Something of the host survived.

There were days of triumph and joy for her when Osiris went to Earth to press Daniel for the location of Atlantis. She never came back and even though the possibility was only remote, Sam dreamed of Sarah being free, maybe living in England again, in control of herself. Or maybe she lived with Daniel now.

The thought kept her going for weeks. It made the Goa'uld in her angry to feel it and some very violent punishments were carried out in that time. Sam felt responsible even though she knew it was not her doing it.

A lot of time, she prayed for death. She prayed for death of the Goa'uld and freedom for herself even if it was only spiritual freedom. There were thousands of 'what if's in her head. Had she done one thing different that day she had been captured, maybe she would not be like this. Even the knowledge that there were other versions of herself out there who weren't captives in their own body only eased the pain a bit. She was stuck in this body – this body that no longer belonged to her.

~~~

Then, one day, they came. They came in ships and they stormed the Goa'uld fortress she was in. They killed the Jaffa that resisted them and surrounded her with no possible way of escape.

It was all a blur. The Goa'uld blocked Sam's consciousness in a way it had never done before. She heard them asking questions, demanding answers, but the sound was muffled just like the thoughts of the Goa'uld inside of her and she never found out what they wanted to know.

The only thing that got to her was the pain. They tortured her, with hot steel and staff blasts that barely missed, yet burned her skin. But through it all, a strange feeling of hope emerged. Maybe a Jaffa would recognize her face, know who she was and contact Earth. They were rebellious Jaffa; surely they were in contact with Earth. She clung to this thought through session after session of questioning that made no sense.

But even with the healing abilities of the symbiote, her body could not endure it forever.

One day, she guessed it was morning though she had no indication of time in this place, something felt different. She felt more awake and yet worse than she had in months.

And then it became very clear. The symbiote was dying. It was weaker than ever and while her mind was now finally free and in control, her body was rapidly decaying. Sam opened her moth to speak, just to hear her voice again, but she didn't know what to say. It would not take long. She thought of her team, of Jack and Daniel and Teal'c and how she longed to be with them. Of her father, who she had said good-bye to so cheerfully the last time she saw him. She had been so sure she would see him again. See them all again.

Tears were streaming down her face, the pain almost forgotten.

The Goa'uld died. Suddenly, the presence that had been with her for so long that it felt like eternity was gone and new tears emerged from her eyes.

She knew there would be no way back now. She didn't know why, but her mouth opened and her lips formed one last word.

"Help."

A blinding light. A woman in front of her, arms outstretched, smiling at Sam.

_Who are you?_

You know who I am.

_I am not worthy._

Yes, you are.

_Why me?_

Because you are ready.

And Samantha Carter left her body behind, certain that she would see her friends and family again at least once. Maybe they would let her speak to them.

She was at peace. The pain had stopped. Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the translation of Goethe's Faust, spoken by Mephisto:  
> _Part of the part am I, which at first was all,  
> (Ich bin ein Theil des Theils, der Anfangs alles war,)  
> A part of darkness, which gave birth to light,  
> (Ein Theil der Finsterniß, die sich das Licht gebar,)  
> Proud light, who now his mother would enthrall,  
> (Das stolze Licht, das nun der Mutter Nacht)  
> Contesting space and ancient rank with light.  
> (Den alten Rang, den Raum ihr streitig macht.)_


End file.
